Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize