sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
how do you play pong handcuffed?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
