i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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