I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
