so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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