jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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