Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
