Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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