can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she smelled like a LAN party
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
