if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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