my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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