Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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