I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
