saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
