Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
