They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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