____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
