you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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