I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
