someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
