You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
try to milk me bitch
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