he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize