I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We had to coat check the pizza.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
