I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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