We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
