I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
