i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This baby is an asshole
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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