"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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