If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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