i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
