He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize