My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
