i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
