So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
