Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
