Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
