I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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