Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
