got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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