I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
