I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize