Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize