I bet he comes in French.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
