y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
