True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
