how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
