1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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