well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
