3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
