My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Someone signed my nipple.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
