my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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