If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
