I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
