omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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