finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
whose ass print is on the piano?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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