I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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