just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize