Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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