Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
