im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
