you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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